


Give Me Back My Body

by Merrinpippy



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Not really sure what else to tag though there's probably a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-08 01:50:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1922211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merrinpippy/pseuds/Merrinpippy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He can pinpoint the exact moment where the Winter Soldier takes over again: it’s when he’s taken into custody, he thinks by Steve’s friends, before he gets even a little close to Steve’s apartment.</p>
<p>It’s not like before, where Bucky was completely out of the picture. This time, it’s much worse; he’s sitting in the back seat of a car with a driver that’s bent on destruction and no way out, no way to steer the car.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give Me Back My Body

**Author's Note:**

> There isn't a shortage of angsty Stucky fics, is there? This one's super short because I physically couldn't write any more.

Bucky had broken a record by bringing Steve from the Potomac River.

It seemed he was gaining his ability to think again, and he’d gone to the Smithsonian to take back a sense of self. He stayed away for a few weeks, checking in on Steve in the hospital when he was still there (not going in, just in case). He tested himself, made sure that he was safe around civilians by going about a ‘normal’ life, observing them and exposing himself to as many possible triggers as he could.

Nothing triggered him at all, and he was physically doing fine.

He’d missed Steve. A lot. But he knew that what he was doing was going to be good for them both in the long run, making sure that Steve wouldn’t be hurt by him ever again.

Those thoughts he tried to stay away from. Memories of the Winter Soldier he hid from, memories of Steve’s unresponsive body and bloodied face, the result of _him,_ and Steve almost lifeless as he’d pulled him out- no, Bucky couldn’t delve into those.

If he did, he’d never get back out.

But it looked like he was fine, and it looked like Bucky was actually safe to be around. So Bucky makes his way over to where he knows Steve’s been living and looking for him.

He can pinpoint the exact moment where the Winter Soldier takes over again: it’s when he’s taken into custody, he thinks by Steve’s friends, before he gets even a little close to Steve’s apartment.

It’s not like before, where Bucky was completely out of the picture. This time, it’s much worse; he’s sitting in the back seat of a car with a driver that’s bent on destruction and no way out, no way to steer the car.

He’s kept in a cell for a while. The Winter Soldier thinks thoughts like _mission, orders, escape,_ and Bucky thinks thoughts like _Steve, Steve, Steve._    

When Steve is allowed to see him, Bucky hopes that the Soldier will just let Bucky past, but it doesn’t happen. Bucky has to watch as Steve and the Soldier converse in ways they were never meant to.

“Hey, Buck.” _It’s not me, Steve, don’t talk to him._

“Steve.” _Shut the hell up, you don’t deserve to talk to someone as good as him._

“They say I can take you home.”

“Your home?”

“Yeah. You’re not allowed anywhere else, mind, and we’ll be under surveillance,” (Bucky hears anger in Steve’s voice that experience taught him to recognise, where the Soldier hears nonchalance.) “But you won’t be in that cell anymore, so that’s a plus.”

The Soldier nods, expressionless, and Bucky sees the crack in Steve’s façade, the little flicker of sadness that threatens to rip Bucky’s heart out there and then.

The Soldier is let out of his cell, and he goes quietly. Steve makes a few attempts at small talk that Bucky tries to return, but the Winter Soldier stays silent. Steve slowly gives up.

* * *

 

The weeks pass by, and Bucky has to watch as he hurts Steve beyond anything he’d thought possible by the Soldier’s blank expressions and lack of communication.

The Soldier’s thoughts turn to _eat, sleep, get up_ and stay somewhere around that. Bucky’s thankful that the Soldier isn’t trying to kill Steve, which he’d expected, but it angers him that the Soldier isn’t even trying to become a person. If he’s going to steal Bucky’s control, he may as well make it worthwhile.

Though Bucky can’t read Steve’s mind, it’s pretty clear that even though he’s losing hope, he doesn’t intend to give up. He’d stopped telling memories of their childhood a long time ago because it wasn’t doing anything for the Soldier- Steve doesn’t know that that’s stopped being the way the Soldier works, that he’s not just a brainwashed Bucky, but a different personality.

Bucky would give anything to see Steve smile again. The smiles had faded away over time and Bucky misses them sorely. It hurts deeply to see the damage being done to him by his face, by his body’s actions while he’s powerless.

Steve is called on missions and the Soldier has to stay home, as per their orders. Bucky isn’t sure when a sexual attraction to Steve seeps into the Soldier’s thoughts, but when he notices it makes him intensely angry because he doesn’t deserve Steve. If the Soldier had been good, had made Steve smile and be happy and cared for him, maybe Bucky would be different, more accepting of this fate.

_However._

The Soldier has barely tried, and certainly isn’t a good person. He wasn’t sure if the Winter Soldier could hear him, but the answer’s given to him when, for the first time, the Soldier gives him a direct response. _Will you shut up back there? I’m not going to date Steve Rogers._

It gives Bucky a little piece of mind, at least.

Despite what the Winter Soldier had ‘told’ Bucky, after that he starts being a little nicer to Steve. Not much, but it’s enough to improve Steve’s mood _a lot,_ and Bucky’s grateful for the return of Steve’s smile.

The Soldier also takes up the habit of bringing himself off to thoughts of Steve when Steve’s out on missions. At first it bothers Bucky, but then the Soldier forces the thoughts into Bucky’s thoughts too, definitely on purpose.

After Bucky makes the Winter Soldier feel so guilty about thoughts involving Steve and knives that he can’t bring himself to orgasm, the Soldier starts only touching himself to fantasies of pleasuring Steve and making Steve happy. It’s a small victory, but Bucky finds himself not minding the lack of control when Steve’s away, because he gets to imagine these beautiful scenes. Since the Winter Soldier’s controlling his movements, the touches are unpredictable enough that Bucky can _almost_ imagine Steve being the hands behind them.

The Soldier approves and starts to imitate what he imagines Steve would do, as the more aroused Bucky gets, the Soldier seems to get more aroused too.

When Steve is around, the Soldier’s thoughts are of him too, but he refuses to act on any of them and makes sure he stays the hell away from Steve emotionally. It’s things like this that make Bucky angry at the Soldier.

Well, that, and the fact that the Winter Soldier is personally responsible for the deaths of an uncountable amount of people, and for the deterioration of Steve Rogers’ happiness.

Bucky doesn’t know exactly what does the trick, one night when Steve’s due home from a mission, but not home yet. One minute, he’s in the back seat. The next, the Soldier has disappeared.

He flexes his fingers first, as a test, eyes widening in surprise when his hands follow what he wants them to.

He gets up with the ease that the Soldier has left behind, and walks. Just walks, because he can. He touches everything, gets to feel everything with a childlike state of mind because he’s in Steve’s apartment after 67 years without him and even though Steve’s not here yet, he’s coming.

Everything he wants to say dies on his lips when the door is pulled open slowly, then closed slowly. He realizes that it’s to let him sleep; the Winter Soldier’s usually in bed by this time of night.

Steve carries a bag of groceries in his one hand and his shield in the other. He looks tired, but other than that he looks fine. Bucky finally gets to see him with his own eyes.

Steve doesn’t meet his gaze, barely notices he’s there until he puts the shopping down on their table. Bucky realizes it’s because he’s practically hiding in the shadows of the room, and he wants to laugh at himself but can’t find it in him to do so.

“Steve?” Something in his voice must show the change, because Steve straightens and whips his head round with wide eyes so fast it’s surprising he hasn’t gotten whiplash.

“Is it really….Bucky?” His voice sounds so vulnerable that Bucky can’t help but throw himself at Steve from across the room, pulling him into a tight hug that Steve returns with just as much fervour.

The look on Steve’s face when they reluctantly part is well worth the agony of their separation, Bucky thinks, and in the moment it isn’t a very big leap to take Steve’s face in his hands and kiss his mouth softly, tenderly, in all the ways Bucky’s never kissed anyone before, ‘cause he’s saved this kiss for his Stevie.

Steve lets slip a little gasp that’s entirely too cute for Bucky to _not_ grin at, and Steve says “Jerk,” but he’s already grasping at Bucky to bring him back for another kiss, this one more passion filled.

They find themselves draped over a table, and Bucky strokes Steve’s face while Steve watches him like he’s the most beautiful things he’s ever seen, and it makes his head spin a little.

“I’ve been waiting for you to do that for 80 years,” Steve sighs.

“I’m sorry for making you wait.”

“I’m sorry for letting you go.”

Bucky pauses at that, wondering what he’s talking about before it clicks. “The train?”

“Of course the train, what else?” Steve doesn’t meet his eyes.

Bucky stands, pulling Steve up with him and dragging him over to Steve’s bedroom, and then his bed. When he’s done, he lightly pushes Steve onto it and cups his face so Steve has to look at him.

“That was not your fault.”

“I could have saved you-”

“ _If_ you’d have saved me, you would have crashed that fucking plane and I would never have seen you again.” It’s one of those thoughts Bucky had stayed away from.

“…But you’d have lived a life.”

“A life without you isn’t a life. After Azzano- if I’d have been rescued by anyone else, I’d have gone home to you. But it was you who saved me, and I wasn’t going to leave you. I never wanted to leave you, Steve, I just wanted to keep you safe!”

Steve’s very quiet but Bucky can hear him all the same; “I just wanted to keep you alive, and I failed.”

“Hey- hey, no, that’s not- Stevie. Look at me.”

Steve does.

Instead of elaborating, Bucky leans down and crawls into Steve’s lap, bringing his mouth to Steve’s and kissing it slowly, meaningfully.

He tries to put in everything he can’t say into the kiss.

That he’d tried so hard to keep him safe and all he’d done was bring Steve further into danger. That sometimes he wished he had died falling off of the train because then he wouldn’t have been able to hurt Steve anymore.

He adds his tongue to the kiss and Steve moans, his hands wrapping around Bucky’s waist and pulling him in on top of him.

With it, he adds that he never meant to cause Steve this much pain, and that’s he’s sorry that he’d been so selfish. He adds that he’d felt more than friendship for him since they were teenagers but in this one thing he’d been too scared to do anything because Steve meant _the world_ to him.

He hopes Steve can understand him, and kisses him for the sake of Steve’s skin on his own. How it was meant to be.

“I missed you, Bucky.”

There will be time to explain later, maybe tomorrow, maybe after.

There will be time to tell Steve exactly what happened and to ask after the things Bucky doesn’t know.

There will be time because Bucky will make sure there is time, but later, because right now Bucky can’t say these things. Bucky’s still very selfish, and right now all Bucky wants is Steve, and all he can give is himself.

“I missed you too, Stevie.”

There’s a pause, and Steve runs his hands down Bucky’s body, once through clothes and then another few times reaching under them.

“Hey Steve?” he mumbles against Steve’s neck, unwilling to move.

“Yeah?” Steve turns his head a little to hear him better.

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t actually care what you’re apologising for, I only care that you don’t apologise again.”

“Tomorrow, then.”

“We’ll see.”       

And they do.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this fic, but I don't really know why. It's probably for the length. 
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](http://ravenroac.tumblr.com/), or leave comments below telling me what you thought. Thanks for reading!


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